my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
