i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I could fuck to npr.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You left your phone here
Wait...
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