I CAN MOONWALK!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
