Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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