I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
