We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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