I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize