Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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