My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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