Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
