at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
