I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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