Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
