did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
