that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
