chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
