gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
