He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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