At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
