no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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