I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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