as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
