so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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