The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
