WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
