so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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