I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
