i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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