omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
