I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They took my balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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