my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
