Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
