We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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