Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
