Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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