i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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