I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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