i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
