At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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