Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
