I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
