he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
