i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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