JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
