the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
