Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
