true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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