"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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