Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
