he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
