just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
