The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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