If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How naked do you want me to be?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
