my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
