I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
