Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize